In the newly-released movie
“American Reunion,”
the latest installment of the “American Pie” series, one of the major
plotlines revolves around Alyson Hannigan’s character, Michelle, who has
transformed over the past decade from a sexually adventurous coed --
remember that “one time at band camp”? -- into an overworked mom who’s
too exhausted to sleep with her husband, former pie-humper Jim, played
by Jason Biggs.
The film is just the latest illustration of the by-now-clichéd
scenario: man and woman get married, man and woman start losing interest
in getting busy every night and, soon enough, man and woman’s formerly
hot sex life is as lively as a deflated balloon.
While there
is some truth to the cliché -- and the seemingly
endless wisecracks born out of it -- it doesn't tell the whole story.
What's more, it trivializes the very real stresses that couples may
experience as their sex lives ebb. So what's really going on? Well, like
everything, it's complicated.
To look at the statistics about marriage and sex, you wouldn’t even
know that there was an issue to begin with. “Studies have found that
married people have more sex than single people, and they also have more
varied sex,” says sexual health expert and best-selling author
Dr. Laura Berman, who hosts
“In The Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman” on OWN. ”Oral sex is also more common among married people.”
One of the most comprehensive studies on the subject, which was released in 2010 by the
Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University,
confirmed this, compiling statistics on sexual attitudes and habits of
5,865 people between ages 14 and 94. An average of 61 percent of singles
reported
that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18 percent
of married people. Looking specifically at those between the ages of 25
and 59, 25 percent of married people reported that they were still
having sex two to three times per week versus less than five percent of
singles.
Yet, while Indiana University’s data is often cited as evidence that
married sex can be hot – way hotter than single, anonymous,
no-strings-attached sex,
thankyouverymuch -- it doesn’t really
reflect the shift that individual married couples notice in their sex
lives as the years pass, nor the anxiety that this change can trigger.
Unfortunately, there isn’t conclusive statistical data comparing the
frequency of couples’ sex while they’re dating to the frequency of their
sex as a married couple. However, it doesn’t take a scientist to
understand that, as time passes, their sex lives will take a hit.
It’s human nature to crave novelty, as great thinkers as far back as
Pliny the Elder
have noted -- it’s what makes new couples want to rip the buttons off
each others’ shirts and engage in lingerie-sparked romps until the wee
hours of the morning. But eventually, having access to the same naked
body night after night is bound to erode its novelty. “Tonight’s the
night” becomes “not tonight” -- after all, there’s always tomorrow (and
the next night... and the next night... and… okay, you get it).
If your relationship started off hotter, heavier and sweatier than a
Florida summer, this sexual shift can be disheartening -- even a little
scary -- as you start comparing your married sex life to the one you had
early on in your relationship (or to the assumed steamy sex lives of
your fellow wedded friends).
This is where the complications about married sex begin: When you start worrying about
not having sex -- and what that might mean about you, your spouse and your spouse’s attraction toward you.
Sure, plenty of relationship advice books declare that anyone can
reignite the spark in their marriage, with a whole spectrum of tips from
recreating the courtship mood through role-play to scheduling mandatory
date nights. However, it’s impossible to replicate the passionate,
falling-crazy-in-love phase of a relationship. What most of these books
won’t tell you is that
that’s okay. So what if some nights
you’d prefer binging on Chinese food and watching “The Biggest Loser” to
ripping off each other’s clothes? Isn’t that what marriage is about --
being forever bound to someone who will love you even when the chow mein
you just inhaled saddled you with a massive food baby?
While a couple’s sluggish sex life can create dramatic tension for a
movie plotline, in real life the pressure that couples put on themselves
to reenact the early days of their love affair can cause more issues
than their lack of sex.
“A
big problem in marriage is that one or both people start thinking
something is wrong with them because they're not having sex as much as
they think they should. When you start comparing your sex life to what
you think it ‘should be’ and conclude that you fall short -- well,
that’s a problem,” says
psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.,
author of "Marriage Rules." "Often, lack of sex doesn't mean anything
else is wrong in your relationship. Sexuality is vulnerable and often
has a life of its own apart from how your marriage is doing.” (Lerner’s
perspective is particularly timely as Lifetime debuts its new show, “7
Days of Sex,” later this month, in which real-life couples are
challenged to have sex for one week straight with the hope of “saving
their marriage.”)
This is not to say that couples should resign themselves to sexless
unions. The foolproof solution for couples wanting to have more sex is
simple: have more sex. Experts agree that the more you do it, the more
you want to do it, which is far more encouraging than the oft-quoted
axiom, “if you don’t use it, you lose it.”
Lerner even suggests that couples go about getting it on even when
they’re not in the mood. “If you wait to have sex until one or both of
you genuinely feel desire, you'll wait too long,” she says. “In marriage
there is often at least one person in the couple who won't feel a
natural desire to initiate sex. Push yourself to get started even if
you're just doing it for your partner's pleasure.”
As sterile as this advice might sound, the just-as-unsexy truth is, “For
all the safety and security that marriage can bring it’s not easy to
have ‘good sex’ with the person you live with year in and year out,”
Lerner says.
Adds Berman: “You can’t expect wild sex to happen on a regular
Tuesday night unless you put it in a little effort. If you want more
romance, then be more romantic. If you want more sex, then initiate sex
more often.” Basically, put down the take-out, turn off the TV and bring
sexy back already.
Yet, while the experts’ solution to having more sex is straightforward,
how individual married couples relate to their lives can remain
emotionally complex. In marriage, spouses exclusively give sexual
pleasure to each other, therefore whether or not they have it can be
closely connected to how they think they measure up as partners. It
doesn’t help that sexual desire can be a tricky fire to ignite, as it
often requires harmony from heart, head and, well, loins.
At the very least, couples can try to stop engaging in the most
libido-crushing activity of all, which would be to dwell on -- and beat
themselves up over -- all the sex that they’re not having. Leave that
to the single people.
But
I will turn them away just tossing my head at them."
